Culture Clash

The past few weeks have been rough.  As rough as it gets for a stay-at-home mom living in middle-class suburbia.  Not that bad.  But to me, to me it was a blip in my usually peaceful existence.  I never realized I was such a control freak until I became a mother - and now I realize I want everything JUST SO.  And anything else kind of sends me off into a self-induced panic.


I live in an amazing neighborhood.  Truly amazing.  We have dozens of cultures that collide in this tiny little area - wealth(ier) households to afford this Bay Area craziness, paycheck-to-paycheck families who survive off boxes of macaroni, free school lunches and public transportation (shocking!), new immigrants, third and fourth generation families, and children whose heritage are too mixed to even unravel.  But all of that comes at a cost.  All of these personalities don't always mesh with mine or those raised under my supreme rule. 


I tutor a couple times a week.  My motives are another post for another time.  But one child I've been working with for months, he flipped out on me.  I knew it was coming.  I had recognized weeks ago that he was getting overly comfortable and familiar with me.  The line distinguishing me as authority figure and pushover buddy was getting pretty blurry pretty fast.  So I did what I do with my own personal mini-minions - I laid down the law and I didn't bend.


We're talking crocodile tears, thrown furniture, and name-calling.  Fist pounding.  Roars of outrage.  I was shocked.  And not shocked.  It's hard.  It's hard to go back when I don't have to.  I honestly care about this kid, but I can tell his willingness to work is waning.    There wouldn't have been as much drama if he wasn't testing me.  But all I could think was - this silliness must work for him at home or he wouldn't be trying it on me.


Here's where I struggle.  I know that part of his problem is that the other adults in his life do bend.  He probably has a learning disability.  Add his personal laziness and lack of initiative and his passionately volatile nature, it's so much easier for his exhausted mother to just let him play video games and watch tv than to enforce the rules and focus on his learning.  It's the teacher's job to teach him.  It's the school's job to educate him.  She works hard and by the end of the day, doesn't want to fight with her kid that she loves to get him to do just a little bit of work.


It kills me.  I understand.  I TOO LOVE THE TV AS A BABYSITTER.  I do.  I hate playing endless board games.  I don't want to read books about Disney's princess robots.  And I still have to do laundry, cook, and clean.  And on top of that she HAS to work.  A job she may or may not like to pay the bills.


But this kid - this kid can't read.  Well, he can.  But he doesn't trust himself since he keeps falling farther and farther behind his peers.  I just hate that the love of learning has already been squashed in a kid who is 7.   Why does she let him get away with all that nonsense?  A firm set of rules requires a short-term investment in perseverance, but will pay off in the long-term with better behavior and better habits.  What makes sense to me - a little bit of elbow grease now will have huge rewards later - doesn't always make sense to someone else.


Emily had her own little incident this week.  A boy kicked her.  She got mad and flicked him.  He retaliated by punching her in the face.  I can't even type that without feeling extreme over-the-top pissed-off scream-at-the-sky anger.  He's usually a well-behaved kid and gets along with most others.  For whatever reason (I suspect he likes her because she's a girl who wears dresses but can kick his butt in basketball.  This is his 8-year-old-juvenile way of showing it.  Hitting her to get her attention and then inviting her to his friends-only birthday party.  Boys are weird.)   He's been really obnoxious to her for months.  Emily complained to her teacher almost two months ago about his daily insults and even the earlier physical skirmishes and her teacher refused to separate them at that time.  (They are partners for EVERYTHING: math, square dancing, they sit next to each other.)  I think because both kids are USUALLY easygoing, she wanted to give them a chance to work on conflict resolution.  And plus, they are at similar academic levels.  And maybe because the desks are a pain in the ass to move.  I don't really know the rationale as she hasn't bothered to explain it to me.  Finally, this recent punching incident prompted the teacher to reconsider her seating arrangement.  But first she told Emily that Emily should have told this kid she didn't like it.  Oh and the teacher doesn't think he's a mean kid.  Yeah, really.  That's what she said.  I know because I was there.  Since the teacher didn't think daily insults required separation, I thought I'd give Emily some support when she went to talk to her teacher.


WHAT?!!  So a kid punches her in the face, and it's her job - the VICTIM'S JOB - to correct the perpetrator?  Because sometimes kids do like being punched in the face, so if you don't tell him beforehand - that justifies his action?   I don't think so.  I'm not saying Emily is innocent.  She did flick him.  BUT THAT WAS AFTER HE KICKED HER.


Still livid.  Can you tell?


WHAT IS WRONG WITH OTHER PEOPLE?  Do I live by a completely different set of rules than the rest of the world?  DO I?  I just don't know anymore.


I'm mad at the kid because he should have known better.  But I'm REALLY mad at the grown-ups.  His parents should have taught him that it's never ok to hit anyone - ESPECIALLY A GIRL.  Sexist, be damned.  And the teacher.  Ugh.  She just taught my daughter that if she speaks up about other kids assaulting her, the teacher won't take her seriously if she likes the other kid.


I have since talked to the principal and the kid myself.  So hopefully that's the end of it.  I usually hate - I do, I hover with the best helicopter parents out there, but I really want my kids to learn independence - interfering in the kids' little squabbles, but if I don't act as my daughter's advocate, who will?!  Obviously not her teacher.

Still mad.